Faster Than a Speeding Bullet

I feel like I am running too fast.  If I were a car the Check Engine light would flashing, and smoke would be coming from the hood.  I feel WAY out of balance.  I don't get out on a walk very often these days, but a few days ago I was out (and my walks are scheduled to the minute) and really tried to figure out how I got myself into this mess.  Bottom-line: I over-scheduled our fall.  In an effort to get the girls out of the house every day, and stop their complaints of cooped-up boredom, I booked them solid.  Of course something is now always falling through the cracks.  Piano practice doesn't happen, math is neglected, the laundry piles up, it is taquitoes for dinner...again, and I tend to be short-fused at all of our tardiness and lack of control.  Tennie has been sick for about five weeks, Adele and Ceci are erupting over all sorts of things, and I feel like I want to stay in bed rather than tackle another Herculean day when I'm so burnt out. 

As I pondered over this circumstance I remembered my deep belief that it is my role to nurture my children - their whole souls.  I figured I would be nurturing their minds, bodies, and social selves with this active schedule, but in reality nothing is really getting fully nurtured.  We're doing too much to process anything we might be gaining.  As active as they (mostly Adele) want to be, if something comes up spontaneously we don't have time to glance at it.  What happened to my scenic route?  

Adele and Ceci at the first of five clay classes at The Leonardo museum

So surprise, surprise, I got sick this weekend.  I spent the whole day in bed and on the couch today.  Geoff took Adele and Ceci to their Monday class which gave me a chance to nap and rest, but when they came home Ceci read to me, and I noticed her grunting as she emptied the trash and it made me laugh out loud.  She jumped up to make my lemon-honey tea, and encouraged me to watch a movie.  I really saw her.  I really heard her.  I really delighted in her.  I don't have time for that normally.  I value encouraging the development of their interests, but what about a mom who is present?  What about a mom who isn't always thinking ten steps ahead just to keep the bullet train moving?

The pressure will let up a little once soccer season and Tennie's play are over next month, but what about this month?  What do I cut out?  How can I "preserve the asset", as Geoff always says?  How can I take care of myself in all of the nurturing of my children?  How do I fit in walks in nature, and yoga?  How do I get to the temple each week?  How do I find time to look outward at those around me to lend a hand?  How do I find more time to pray when I literally collapse into bed and am out within ten seconds (no joking)?  How do I set aside time for Geoff and our relationship?  How do I really see the needs of my kids if I'm moving like a hurricane?

I appreciate that we use our car time effectively, and we have a dinner schedule, and we have some fun traditions, but does that really add up more than playing a game on the floor?  Or wrestling and laughing?  Or not being rushed from a good conversation in order to make it to a clay class on time?  What is the balance?

I often think of Elder Oaks amazing talk several General Conferences ago about Good, Better, Best.  Many things in our lives are good, some are better, but what is best?  What trumps all other good and better activities?  I feel like this fall I was so optimistic we could do it all that I'm caught in the mire of Good.  So I'm re-evaluating (yet, again) how to fit in the Best things first, and then a few Better things, and maybe even a few Good things.  I don't want to deceive myself into thinking that just because I'm with my kids all day I'm spending quality time with them.

Being sick is sometimes a blessing in disguise.  Being forced to slow down has given me a little perspective, a bit of stillness to see things as they really are.  Time to make some changes...