First day of school

We started school at home today. I wouldn't say it was flawless, but it went pretty well considering Geoff and I crammed our preperation the night before! The girls were excited to get started, and it is true that it will go much faster than a normal public school day. Due to a little disorganization it took us a few additional hours...but that will get better. Once things settle into a regular pattern I'll let you know what we do each day of the week. One thing is for sure, our days are going to be full! Fortunately, full doesn't mean stressful here because there is no time stress. We don't have to be anywhere by a certain time, and things don't have to be completed on a deadline. We have absolutely no commitments. Sure, we have the responsibility to teach the girls a year of schooling, but if one day it takes a little longer it is ok.

Since we've been here I've noticed myself feeling antsy, like I'm not accomplishing much. Before we had the Vespa we would have a list of errands and one of them would take an entire day, and I would self-impose a lot of stress. I wanted to cruise through the list! Now that I think about it, why? Because then I could create another list and fly through that one, too!? The reality here is, if we don't get something done we can do it another day with minimal consequence. This was likely the reality at home, too. Earlier this year I read a book called Performance Addiction that talked about the need to be accomplishing things being an actual addiction. Some introspection revealed that I based a decent amount of self-worth on how much I accomplished. After this realization, I made a deliberate effort to stop doing so much because, in my drive to prove how much I could accomplish, I would neglect more important things, like time with the girls. As I pulled away from aggressive to-do lists I felt a longing and emptiness; an uncertainty of whether or not I was worth anything. If I wasn't the head of this or that committee, or getting oohs and aahs about some activity I organized or cake I decorated or how organized my cupboards were or whatever it was I had on my lists...then what was I contributing? What value was I adding? What was there to admire about me?

In a deliberate effort to be fully present for the girls, and learn to be ok with who I am regarless of what I accomplish, I didn't bring books or projects to France. I still feel a little antsy. I sometimes pick up a broom and sweep the floor just so I can sit down and look at it and feel like I did something. On the flip side, I'm also spending more time with the girls. When they ask for a story I'm available. When they ask for me to watch them swim I've got time to applaud their growing fins. Maybe, if I overcome my preoccupation with myself just a little, I can build their self-worth. A self-worth that doesn't need the world's adoration, or isn't based on a comparison to someone else, or isn't measured by what they do, but a feeling that they are great just because they are! A belief that because they were born they are somebody special. Our American culture sure doesn't support this idea much, but maybe while I'm seeking to help the girls feel it...I'll find it in myself, too!